Decline & Fall
This is required reading for anyone who, like me, has spent a while as Junior Master in a boys’ prep school.
“Sent down for indecent behaviour, eh?” said Mr Levy, of Church & Gargoyle, scholastic agents. “Well, I don’t think we’ll say anything about that. In fact officially, mind, you haven’t told me. We call that sort of thing “Education discontinued for personal reasons”, you understand.” He picked up the telephone. “Mr Samson, have we any “education discontinued” posts, male, on hand? ... Right … Bring it up, will you? I think”, he added, turning again to Paul, “we have just the thing for you.”
A young man brought in a slip of paper.
“What about that?”
Paul read it:
Private and Confidential Notice of Vacancy
Augustus Fagan, Esquire, Llanabba Castle, N. Wales, requires immediately Junior assistant master to teach Classics and English to University standard with subsidiary Mathematics, German and French. Experience essential; first class games essential.
Status of school: School
Salary offered: £120 resident post
Reply promptly but carefully to Dr Fagan (“Esq. Ph.D.” on envelope), enclosing copies of testimonials and photographs, if considered advisable, mentioning that you have heard of the vacancy through us.
“Might have been made for you,” said Mr Levy.
“But I don’t know a word of German, I’ve had no experience, I’ve got no testimonials, and I can’t play cricket.”
“It doesn’t do to be too modest,” said Mr Levy. “It’s wonderful what one can do when one tries. Why, only last term we sent a man who had never been in a laboratory in his life as Science Master to one of our leading public schools. He came to us wanting to do private coaching in music. He’s doing very well, I believe. Besides, Dr Fagan can’t expect all that for the salary he’s offering. Between ourselves, Llanabba hasn’t a good name in the profession. We class schools, you see, into four grades: Leading School, First-rate School, Good School and School. Frankly,” said Mr Levy, “School is pretty bad. I think you’ll find it a very suitable post. So far as I know, there are only two other candidates, and one of them is totally deaf, poor fellow.”
Decline and Fall, Evelyn Waugh, Chapman & Hall 1928